The last time I’ve seen Birdy, was the day before his departure to Saint Cloud. When he came back to Boston and talked to me about the book, I was excited to read it. The day he finally sent it to me, I read the whole book the same night. Page after page reveals and explains a lot about his personality. He is the kind of person who is really secretive and master of confusion. Once he get used to you, he will talk a lot but never about his own life. He is the kind of friend you have, but still have the impression not knowing anything about him. Every detail he gives about his life is what happened in the past. Don’t ever expect to learn about his current life. When I went to his house for this interview, I should admit he is little bit different. He is much open and laugh a lot. He even shook my hands, something he always avoided in the past. He told me that now he let people hug him, even though he still hates it. We spend over 3 hours doing this interview and here is the transcript of this conversation.

He used the real name of the main character but asked me to change it Lucy

The first part of this interview focused essentially on the book

What made you write the book?

I left Boston in 2008 because the city was way too expensive for me. I had no job and with my dad’s lost, I could not afford staying there. So I moved in Saint Cloud, with an initial plan to live there a year and go back to Boston.  Everything went pretty cool, not exactly the way I planned, but it was alright. When I was ready to leave, I met Lucy the same semester and decided to stay. At that time we were friends and I thought it would be better for me to stay. After that, we had a long “love-hatred” relationship. Everything I worked hard for was falling apart and I took her as the main responsible.

In four years, a lot happened in my life and I also grew up. I finally understood that my hatred has a root and it was not definitely her. So when I was leaving the city, I asked her if we could meet. This never happened, but still I sent her a text message to apologize. The only thing she said back was “Wow ….” I was looking for a closure, but I had nothing and this literally pissed me off.

I wrote the text “Bye Baby” when I was in the plane and the original version was full of hatred and anger. It has nothing to do with the final version. Two weeks later, I went to Cambridge and rewrote the text “The Genesis“. Cambridge was the first place I went, back in 2008 after my dad’s funerals in Paris. Going back there was really important for me. I read both of the texts and realized that I had the beginning and the end of a story, so I decided to write the whole story.

What do you mean by “my hatred has a root”?

I took my dad’s death as an abandon. I came in United States to go to school and now he passed away. At that time, I was completely lost, scared and wondered who would be there for me. Every day the same question, who?  I needed one person, just one and I thought it would be her. I trusted her the first time ever we met and we became friends really quickly. For some reasons, I took our problems as another abandon and I hated her for that. But years after years, I realized that this inside hatred was not towards her, but that fear of loneliness and abandon. I was so scared that she would abandon me the same way my father did, so I was rejecting her consistently before it happened.

So, the book title is a request for her to stay?

Not only her, all the characters of the book, including the ones who didn’t like me. I wanted all them to stay to either make me happy or allow me to grow up from their hatred. We all need each other to be happy. Instead of getting mad at the ones who are hurting us, we can take this opportunity to work on our patience and self-control.

You said the original version of “Bye Baby” was full of anger and hatred?

I wrote it on my way to Boston and I was mad at her. But a week later, I was at Park Street and remembered something about her. One day I was at work, and she showed up every 5mn saying things like “Hi, How have you been, I haven’t seen you for a while ….” That day, I had no idea what was going on until she finally looked at me and said “you don’t talk to me anymore on facebook and that hurt.” It made me smile because of the way she said it and I think that’s the only thing I remember of her that always make me smile. So I decided to rewrite the text and it took me couple hours.

Did you tell her about the book? What is your relationship with her today?

I let her know about the book and sent her couple texts. She said she doesn’t want to hear anything from me and the book (Long silence). No matter what, she is a good person and I respect her decision. Today, I have no hatred in me, and I wish we had met here in Boston. Things would have been different.

After I read the book, it is amazing how you started from a complete dark style to end up to a more brighten one

I introduced Birdy as a selfish person who decided to move alone and finally wrote “I ain’t a superman” to acknowledge that we all need each other. I lived 4 years in Saint Cloud; I could not close my eyes on the racism. I talked about a Negro condition in white society, and finally recognized that it was unnecessary to let hatred enter our heart. Once you fight the demons that live in your heart, the ones that live outside will never knock you door.

This book is your personal experience of your life. Why did you decide to make it public?

Every single word in this book was like a rock on my heart. I had to put them somewhere to free my mind. Line after line just helped to find that peace I have been looking for years. I decided to publish it to share something. It is human being attitude. When you have something, you want to show it to others. Also I have things to say to others, based on my own experience.

Not all problems are meant to be solved. When you go through hard times of life, always ask yourself the good questions. If you can’t find the root, you will never go through it; you will be going around it. I made a lot mistakes during that times. I let the fear buried me alive and other’s hatred enter my heart. I just wanted people to know through this book one thing. Life always gives us billion reasons to be happy. If we are obsessed only by one, it will completely ruin our lives. No matter how beautiful or hard is the situation, we should keep living. Now the question is what is life? I gave my point of view in the text “Life is good”.

The second part of the conversation focused on his personality. I learnt more about him during the time he was writing the book

All of the names used in the book are real except two, Lucy and Christie

When I let her know about the book, she didn’t like the idea and told me that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. So I changed the name to Lucy. Why? I rather not say anything about that.

In the text “I like that”, I changed the real name to Christie, because the girl is friend with Lucy. The original text was much longer, but I deleted every detail because I was afraid to give away some clues.

Jackie was the only person he talked about his admiration and respect but never dated her

We both never dated and it will never happen. I have never done wrong to her, and she never done wrong to me either. You know what they say “You only know what you got until it is gone”. The better you understand this sentence, the better you understand the problems of relationships. She is a good person and I wanted to thank her for that, especially in moments I needed the most.

He rewrote all the texts except one

If I was in a studio recording this, it would blow everyone’s mind. I wrote the text one day when I was chilling at Park Street. I used to go there often during last summer. The lyrics were coming up in my head and I was rapping them inside. Then I took my notebook and a pen, wrote the whole text once and no corrections or anything after. It was just amazing.

Jenna didn’t edit the book and he even thought about giving up on the project

She only made grammatical corrections. She didn’t really edit the book, at least not the way it is supposed to be. The only reason I kept her name is that she gave me one reason to finish the book. I love to pay back people, it is just a part of me.

When she decided not to help me anymore, it really drove me crazy. I found myself alone with thousand things to do. Write a book is one thing, everything that comes after is another thing.  I kept saying to myself “I can’t make it, not alone”. So I withdrew the project for two months until the day I thought about my niece and people I already talked about the book. I knew they were waiting for that, so I put myself together and started working on it.

None of the characters of book is no longer friend with him

I respect them all for who they are and the way they influenced my life. But see, my state of mind today is different. My current life is the reflection of what I learnt from these experiences.  They don’t know about my life, I don’t know about theirs. We no longer friends, but we’re not enemies. I am still afraid of this, of that. But today, I go through the fear, not into it.

He always avoid to answer any questions related to Lucy

I didn’t write a book about her, I wrote about life. I don’t want people to focus on that story. I rather people to learn about the fear and its negative impacts on our everyday life. That’s the goal of my book. she is a good person, so I will never write things about her life or anything. No matter what, I still respect her and I will never do anything to hurt her.

He always writes his texts out of anger

I always write out of anger or sadness. I don’t write anything when I am happy. When I am sad, I am super quiet. But what people don’t know, I talk a lot to myself during these moments of silence. My writings are just the exteriorization of my inside. Once I write them down on a paper, I feel much better.

He is only concerned about one thing today, enjoy every moment of happiness life has to offer

old man told me this: "If I live on the 15th floor and I have someone pointing his gun towards me and ready to shoot, I will jump off the window. You know why? I will tell you why. In either way, I will die. Except that, I am going to enjoy that free falling. I will enjoy that feeling of being a bird. I will die smiling. I rather die screaming of joy and laughing than being scared. Who never dreamed of having wings and being able to fly? I will be just like you, a birdy. There is no such thing called happiness, there are moments of happiness. Make sure you enjoy them all, no matter what the situation is. Nobody paid a fee to come on earth, therefore life is free. Be happy my friend, be a birdy"

He expects to write another book next year and even gave me a preview of the writing style.

Before Stay … I need you, I was writing another collection. If Lucy and I have met before I left Saint Cloud, I would not ever write anything about all of this. I am working on the promotion and a lot of things that need to be done after a book is ready. At the same time, I am working on my future project. I don’t have a title yet, but I have a pretty good idea of the themes to develop.  It will be more about things around me than my personal life.

The first text is called “Where is the love” and is about 3 pages

             I went to New York and saw a lot of black kids

                Growing up just like me

                No father, no uncle to tell’em what to do

                Every day, they got to struggle on their own

                It broke my heart

                Made me realize, I am not the only victim

                How a father could abandon his own child

                It might be his own style

                So I won’t be a judge

                Just a poet and let god be the judge

                                                                                                                                                                Revere, MA - 3/23/13